Natural bottle brown; the art of sunless tanning

Naked and vulnerable I nervously await instruction

"I want you to change position" the voice demands

I tremble but do as I am told, turning to my front

"Good girl, stick your bum out more, I need to get in there"

I oblige and when I think it's over, turn to face them, relieved

I gasp, unprepared as the gun is pointed at me…

“Close your eyes honey, I’m going to spray your face”

Nope, this is not a sordid role-play fetish

In fact, it's all in the name of beauty...

I’m getting a spray tan!

I often get asked about my background as I don’t have traditional Australian features and am somewhat pale. My dear mother, born overseas, was akin to an Egyptian goddess with beautiful olive skin and flawless complexion. Unlike her daughter she NEVER had to seek that honeyed glow from a bottle. However, my father was made in England, a whole different kettle of fish altogether for he was as white as the Queens fine china. If you passed him on the way to the pub (as that’s the only place you’d pass him) you would call him a ‘fair dinkum Aussie bloke through and through’ (crocodile Dundee accent included).

I was born in Adelaide, Australia but was swept away to Melbourne as a wee child so I’m not quite sure if the state deserves the title ‘Radelaide’ or maybe it was just named that after I was born there. I may have begun the movement, inspired a brass plaque on Rundle street mall with my name in scripted in between love hearts. Maybe. Maybe not…

but I digress with my delusions of grandeur (for now)…

My skin was obviously confused in the creation process, dismissing the pigment I would have requested prior if asked (thanks almighty creator). Although I’m happy I didn’t get my mothers Armenian nose (sorry Mum) I’m totes devo that I didn’t get her complexion. Serves me right for being a twat about mums' nose I guess. Karma.

So, Karma has me in an undignified pose, fluorescent lighting magnifying every pore, every blemish. I mentally try to transport myself to another planet but my mind began its usual non-cooperative/worst enemy dialogue, as follows:

Brain: Gurrl-friend *snaps brain fingers and slides brain head side to side* You’re concerned about a ‘pore and blemish?’ how about that tramp stamp that you thought was ‘fun’ at the age of 19?

Me: *Eyes widen in horror, petrified of upcoming judgement*

Brain: *cackles* Poor thing cannot wait to rinse her eyes out with alcohol and beg for blindness!

Me: Whimper

Technician: Genuinely concerned *Are you ok?*

Brain: She thinks you’re odd as fuck!

Me: I apologise for my *gestures ass* nakedness

Technician: Oh lovely, we see scars from surgeries and tattoos in all sorts of places. *bows in admiration* You have a majestic godlike body that should be worshiped constantly. QUEEN.

Ok. I may have got carried away with the last sentence/s but it would have made me much more at ease (5 star google review included) if that was said. Changed my life even, ceasing the therapy sessions I have over wine with my girlfriends and um…dog. I snap back to the present as I have somewhat lost my mojo as to get to every nook and cranny you have to strike the weirdest poses *cue Madonna’s Vogue* … aaand I have messed this up as only I can. I have tan dyslexia, she says turn to the front, I turn with my back facing her. I’ve somehow metamorphosed into my cat whom, whenever is around me, thrusts her bum into the air assuming that's all I want to see of her. Wonderful. I’m not sure how long the usual spray tan takes but I am ecstatic that she doesn’t charge by the hour as I may have to charge by the hour if I continue with the beauty treatments I have been having lately. Kelly – lady of the night- but you can’t see her as her spray tan is freaking MAGICAL!

Yup, MAGICAL…the initial embarrassment and wishing for a shot of tequila (worm and all IDGAF) maybe even the decency of dinner before stripping naked has diminished as I am lovely, brown and…smelly. My cat’s eyes are all slitty every time she passes me, her nose trembling accusatory. My dog whines and bows his head retreating to his kennel. Thankfully it’s a 2-hour tan and I get to wash it off soon. I pass a mirror and do a little shimmy, admiring how slim it makes me look. I flex a bicep…oh god what’s happening to me? I muster up all the self-control that I have not to post a pic on Instagram hash tagged #GlowedUpFromTheToeUp … I’m not sure if the tanning solution has some weird ass chemicals in it but I feel sexy. Who needs a man when you have a tan? I shrug.

Apparently, this is a worldwide phenomenon. Celebs demand their technicians for contouring. Mariah Carey was reported to have had abdominals spray tanned on her at one stage 🤷‍♂️

This is now another expense that I blame solely on stumbling upon the most talented superstar beauty technicians. I simply adore basking in their coolness hoping their knowledge will rub off on me. I was impartial to eyelash extensions now I can't imagine not coyly fluttering them at a random passersby, not only do they look magnificent, my technician @midnightbellalashes is the coolest chick around. Now I have found a spray tanning genius and all-round sweetheart, Jess from @glowwandcotanning who thankfully does mobile tans so I don't have to shuffle about apologising like a braless elephant man offending everybody in sight. Plus, she stocks tans that don’t stink and make me look more J Lo then bodybuilder #technology

So, I’ll leave you with the little (but important) things I have learnt. Exfoliate the bee-Jesus out of your skin prior your appointment. You want this tan to land nicely on fresh skin cells not ones about to flake off your glorious body. With a professional spray tan, you want it to last at least a week, during that week you want to moisturise moisturise moisturise! To keep your skin nice and well…moist … ha-ha yes, I know I had to drop that word in there folks. MOIST MOIST MOIST! Help your skin stay supple and hydrated holding on for dear life to that tan like a stage 5 clinger damnit! And when it’s time to take the tan off, when you resemble a snake, shedding its skin a trusted technique is apparently loofah and baby oil. Some girls suggest alcohol. So, I drank an entire bottle of wine but oddly enough still awoke spotty. Weird.

Kelz Belz x

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