Is my dog racist or gender superior? Could he be sexist? A narcissist maybe? If he harbours any prejudices did I fail miserably as a dog mum? He’s a tough looking American Bulldog who demands attention wherever he trots, nose up in the air whilst passing Chihuahuas, straining at the lead when passing bitches only to try and inappropriately mount them (misogynist?). The smaller dogs we pass usually have Napoleon syndrome, you know, the 'short man syndrome'. They’re fucking angry…I’m not sure what road rage they experienced whilst riding in the side floral basket of their owners’ bicycle but their teeth are bared and their helium balloon sounding yip yips are making both our hairs stand on end. Ah, look who’s judgie now? #generalist
My neighbour has said small dog. Said small dog yaps at 5 am every morning. Of course, I don’t have fleeting thoughts of doing a murder to small dog! Gosh no! Instead I bless his little overbite, thanking him mindfully - as I now don’t need to set my alarm- I’m up 3 hours earlier! Said dog is helping me, right? I’m consciously looking on the positive side of things as life’s too short for grudges *lights incense and puts down Dalai Lama book*. When I step in said dogs’ poop on the way to the gym … I feel terrible. The owner obviously has a sore back, or can’t afford a bag to pick up the excrement. I bless his trembling upturned nose and over enthusiastic poop hole for reminding me to clean my shoes. Without this wretched…sorry… wonderful creature I would only clean my shoes once in a while. Not - EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
However, said dog’s owner is passive aggressive. ‘Oh, your boy is so big, must be cruel to have him in the yard, he would suit a farm. Oh, you walk him for 45 minutes a day? I walk mine an hour.’ That’s why she catches the bus everywhere, I guess? She catches the bus to the local shops which is a 10-minute walk. ‘What a good owner’ I think…but I feel shamed… DOG MUM shamed…I look like a dog mum. I have the dog mum bun and (in)active wear. However, I’m not the typical Lorna jane clad, ponytail swinging, muscles glistening with the right amount of sweat, jogging with husky mum. I’m the ex-boyfriends old tattered t shirt, veins popping as I hold onto the lead for dear life, repeating ‘no’ as if I have Tourette’s, clutching back as I walk, allergic to mosquitoes nature hating type dog mum. Hashtag blessed.
Today I was : 'Miss, sorry the soft serve machine is not working' dog mum. The 'Miss…please stop crying you're upsetting the customers' mum. My dog adores soft serve and if we don’t get it, he’s going to pinpoint the break in his routine and whine and whinge until he gets one. Which could be fuurever as McDonald’s suck with time management and don’t care for our slobbery patronage (for I too, missed breakfast).
My real estate assumes my dog is 23 kilos when he is actually 43, he will lose his gains without dessert! I masterfully manipulated his lease pet agreement picture, photoshopping his torso slimmer on face tune so I guess him missing a treat is a good thing regarding the real estate issue at least… my main concern though, is that if he whinges, passive aggressive neighbour will complain (albeit nicely in a penned letter with feather quill stating Sir/Madam) to the real estate and I will be left homeless with no choice but to beg and/or busk (or rather my dog will, on a street corner as I have no fecking musical talent) FML
I jumped online and ordered my dog a leotard yesterday. Not even kidding, it’s meant to help shedding. It’s called the shed defender. If you feel like having a giggle or calling the animal welfare league on me, please look at their gallery first. Forlorn dogs stuffed into lycra bulging at the seams like unhappy little sausages. My dog has a short coat but sheds to the equivalent of 4 fluffy Bernese mountain dogs. I'm constantly vacuuming as if it's a competitive sport so any reprise is welcome. I'll try anything!
Today, as I type, I am ordering food for my dog, going through ingredients with a fine tooth comb, trying to avoid unnecessary fillers and nasties. My dog is currently sporting the cone of shame as he has allergies, the same as what I suffer from when I am around too many people. He has to wear this plastic cone around his neck (correct term of the torture device : Elizabethan collar) so that he doesn't scratch his skin red raw. He's not happy about it and he looks utterly ridiculous, like he's wearing a lamp shade. The ladies at the dog park, have all had a laugh and advised me of what food would rid allergies. Carol with the perfect circle rouged cheeks ( she looks like she applied her blush with a shot glass and then drank from it) admitted she’d love to be a dog as all meals are rationed and you don’t put on weight … Are you drunk Carol? We do have meal prep services in 2019 we don't have to be the 4 legged kind! I guess , if dogs were humans for a day, they would spend most their time on Uber Eats and running around in sexual abandon engaging in lewd acts. #FoodMotivationDoesntDiscriminate
Anyway, I have been advised that beef and chicken are a main allergens in dog food. My brain is a constellation of what the actual fucks and I am left with an overload of conflicting information…but I now reckon that I'm a qualified pet nutritionist. I've spent so much money on oatmeal anti fungal shampoo, grain free kibble, raw kangaroo, antibiotics, antiseptics etc and have sacrificed my Mecca Makeup shopping sprees and glamour blowdrys so that my pup can get treatment. We may not be the Instagram fitspo picture perfect dog mum and dog child duo... we also are a tad chunkier than you lithe greyhounds but that will not stop us rocking our matching leotards either way #bodypositive