Horrorcopes; Girls guide to lashes that suit your star sign...

I see a lot of you girls excuse your bad behaviour/hairstyles on a star sign, a ‘Virgo moment’, Scorpio sadness’ etc.

So very ‘Lana Del Ray’ of you…

BUT instead of rolling my eyes (Taurean), I figured that I would have a little fun and delve into the world of astrophysics and foresee your lash style...

Here is what I found:


Aries

Aries…you kinda love yourselves huh? I mean we ALL love ourselves but you tend to be VERY vocal about it.

Humble does not exist in your world does it?

Yelling does.

You assert your authority through yelling if you don’t already hold a gun license. You are a strong willed, independent, hard headed woman. You wear a helmet with sticks in it to repel magpies on your bicycle. Your bicycle wishes that your parents had worn a latex helmet when they were getting their rocks off. Obviously, you love politics and are gunning to vote for Trump. Impulsive shopping purchases land you on the tv show ‘hoarders’. Because of that we recommend conservative lashes, not too much, as you like to be taken seriously (even though you’re not). You love your lashes as full, as you are full of yourself. You thrive on reassurance and compliments from strangers, hence why you come to us. You listen to live music on your headphones, not for the actual music, but for the applause.

Taurus

You call yourself ‘curvy ‘coz of Covid’ and own maternity pants for Taco Tuesdays, 7 days a week.

WAP stands for ‘Whine and Pine’ as you constantly pine for wine.

You’re a functioning alcoholic. You eat your emotions with ‘Ben and Jerrys Phish food’. You’re clumsy and awkward but smart enough to know it. Which unfortunately makes it even awkwarder. Food makes you happy BUT if an Uber Eats driver makes you unhappy or is .27 seconds late, you threaten violence. You are a ‘foodie’ but we’re not sure how that would stand in court if you carry through. A reliable, classic lash seems to be your style. Taureans are very earthy, which means hygiene is questionable, but also that you’re down to earth and most of your close pals will help hide an Uber Eats drivers’ body. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. Caboolture is full of Taureans.


Gemini

Everyone loves a Gemini like everyone loves a rollercoaster. Impulsive and bipolar as hell, you are very outgoing and one of the most popular rides at Movie World , where you constantly pick fights with the elderly, little children and fast food attendants. You’re rude to waiters and are only allowed plastic cutlery (sporks).

Instead of your usual, ‘fresh out of jail’ crazy eyes. ‘Fresh out of Midnight Bella’ hybrid lashes would suit you. Actually, choose any lash style, we really don’t want to get into an argument with a Gemini. You have waaaay too many personalities. You carry toothpicks, salt? and sandwich bags in your adidas bum bag and have a penchant for thick chains. Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard, which is sometimes a problem as they tend to talk to themselves.

The Gold Coast is a Gemini hot spot.

Cancer

Loyal as they come. You forgive easily. You’re always back with the ex-much to the dismay of your friends, who were also with your ex, during your relationship … OF COURSE you forgave them. 🙄

You see the same people every day, your Mum when you crawl out the basement for dinner and parole officer. You didn’t commit a crime but due to your doormat nature you took the blame.

Cancerians get out of bed after noon, and their fashion sense can only be described as "homeless chic." You wash your clothes by spraying them with Febreze or impulse body spray. Your food staples are Doughnut time and Corona. The beer. One thing in your favour is that the virus can only be caught if you leave the house. Who cares though, you do you boo, no need to impress the others outside. Just take a lot of lash selfies you thoughtful git.

Leo

Confident little lasses who adore luxury, hence faux mink is your lash type. Anything 3D or a massive DD…the bigger the better. You have expensive taste (read: champagne taste on a beer budget) so most surgeries are acquired in Thailand. Your roar is louder than your actual professionally whitened, veneered bite. You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. You like to dye your hair bright red or white blonde, fluffing it up with a volumizing shampoo.

Leos like to be single as no one is up to their standards…plus you’re probably too much effort tbh. Ironic as you need physical affection at all times. Due to a Leos pickiness, they can only stare romantically into their own mirrors. Many of the people arrested for public masturbation are Leos.

This is why your dry hump your friends. Rawr.

Virgo

The most dramatic, lash for you gurlll…. since you already ruin men’s lives with your white manicured toes and penchant for drama. You are a pain in the ass. Due to your perfectionism, attention to detail and meticulous personality, you (or we?) are lucky we are an extremely experienced beauty salon!

OCD is not a handed-out anxiety disorder for you, it’s a rite of passage. You scrub your house with a magnifying glass and toothbrush. You brush your lashes in front of a magnifying mirror. Virgos don't see the world in black or white. You guys see it in tidy and untidy. Pet hair sends you to ER. Your closets are alphabetical order by name of designer and country of manufacturer. We get a tad nervous placing lashes on the perfect Virgo.

If we angle a lash 1 cm the incorrect way, Rest In Peace to us! ☠☠☠

Libra

Minimalist lashes for you, aesthetic one. You love symmetry. You own Aesop hand wash. Everything in your house is cream. Linen is ‘oh so darrrling’ when you hang out at Noosa. You have books on your dining table, not to read but as decoration. Your fridge has an ice cube dispenser, your walls are white washed. Your jewelry is definitely not cubic zirconia. Libras drink a lot of organic coffee and matcha tea. They devour foods that they can’t pronounce, anything containing an apostrophe is edible. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more.

Libras use quotes from Rupi Kaur poems then promptly type them as Instagram captions.

New Farm is full of Libras. They’re often found selling plants (of legal and illegal kind) at Jan powers markets.

#LivingTheirBestLyfe


Scorpio

Jealous of your man paying more attention to his phone? Don’t do a murder. We repeat, do not drown him, you intense water sign you. Try another water activity instead 💦. We do not do house calls to jail cells (yet). Batt those new lashes and sting him right where it hurts. His wallet.

Get him to buy you Russian volume AND nails, heck…get your eyebrows done too AND nipple pierced. Most internet stalkers are Scorpios, as are most people who debate on twitter. You guys love conspiracy theories and are wary of Bill Gates. Who funnily enough is a Scorpio. You may be against vaccines but would totally inject yourselves with filler and Botox with zero fucks given.

You are very passionate, due to that fact we recommend an STD screening test every 3 months. 😘

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like opening beer bottles with their teeth and caravans that move (campervans?) with their cousins (spouses?). Sagittarians are rowdy and have no social awareness.

They tend to offend. Animals and kids love you guys which is ironic as you Sago’s usually despise them. You’re a straight shooter, we love that you speak your mind and that your opinion is fact. And fact is irrelevant.

You are the matriarch, of your family. You raise your kids to be in a travelling circus or bikie gang. Your fave binge worthy show is Animal Kingdom. Slogan tee shirts and personalised stubby holders are your thing. There are a lot of Sagittarians in Tasmania.

Your lashes are as long as the road you travel. 🏍


Capricorn

Capricorns work hard and don’t know what play is. You are too busy studying, or doing things like sudoku puzzles. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our current situation in puzzling AF.

However, at the end of this current apocalypse/pandemic, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. Your pessimistic nature has prepared you for the end of the world.

Capricorn ladies are ALWAYS on their phones. Usually creating Tinder profiles only to psychoanalyze everyone as 'narcissistic' as you tend to see the glass half empty and dating pool shallow. Very judgey wudgey.

We are all peasants to you. You own a monocle. Your monocle accentuates the cat eye lash you suit. 🧐


Aquarius

Aquarians are either nudists or have an only fans account. Party party party. That’s all you girls love.

And nudity. Aquarians are fun at parties as they are the first to yell ‘streaking’ and the only ones to get their kit off to dive into a body of water. Aquarians thrived in the 1960s due to the acceptance of burning bras and being naked in public.

Did I mention that Aquarians love to be naked? You also like cannabis or shrooms, because they’re ‘natural’. You guys frequently use the phrase "Girl gang” and “Wooosa” and are cosmically entitled to do this. Musos tend to be Aquarians. You can find them busking whilst wearing corduroy or double denim in the valley with a simple ‘barely there’ lash.🍃


Pisces

You cry when dogs get run over in movies but feel no remorse about humans meeting the same fate in real life. You carry Valium. You guys have the oddest rituals and are emotional, constantly torn between reality and escapism. Pisceans talk way too much and say ‘namaste’ a lot.

Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and jingly bangles. You’re the type to charge your crystals on the roof to ‘cleanse’ them. You’re a water sign yet your idea of bathing is a synchronized swimming class followed by hot yoga. Moist.

They are usually found swanning about in their own tears.

As soon as they stop crying, its over for all of us. Waterproof mascara adorns their sparkly lashes.

‘Coz summertime sadness. 😥



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