Updated: Nov 25, 2018
It's that time of the year where shop assistants back away from me slowly, as if I’m holding a live grenade. When males mouth ‘meow’ (not in the ‘damn girl’ way) as I clamber over them at the local bottle shop to purchase those mini liquor bottles to conveniently fit in my purse during this 'joyous' expedition. It’s that wonderful, festive, panic inducing, wallet punishing mass marketing time....christmas shopping time!
Am I a grinch? Far from it. I love giving. And retail therapy is my specialty. I want to make sure that anyone reading this doesn't make expensive mistakes met with forced thanks laced with disappointment.
We all have those friends and relatives (full of lies) that warn you not to get anything whilst their deceitful eyes narrow, DARING you to have the audacity to not kneel before them baring gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh as if they were King and you, the 3 wise men. They’ll clutch their deceitful little hearts exclaiming ‘’oh nooo, you shouldn’t have!’ but in reality, this was always a competition, a dual of biblical proportions … the ‘my present is better than yours’ schoolyard scuffle. You want to know how much to spend so you tentatively throw out a line in hopes they'll bite: ‘What are you going to get me?’ you ask...they smile and shrug (calculating bastards). They could be really forgetful or setting up a leader-board status in their head. Do you want your significant other to channel Ariana Grande's' ‘thank u, next’ or croon Drake’s ‘You’re the fucking best, best I ever had?’
It’s totes up to you. Stop whining that you have no idea what to get anybody. If you’re looking for non-inspirational, kumbaya boring stuffs, stop scrolling now. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200 unless you’re going to gift it. The only ‘w(H)ining’ allowed here is the one you should pour in an oversized wine glass as you make yourself comfortable and read on to find out the sure-fire way to win this present war.
Shall we begin?
I’ll start with the man/men in your life… this may be the only time of the year where I’m thankful that I’m single and not multi dating tinder escapades…
The following presents you will want to give if you are in a solid relationship or you’re just going to look like the stage 5 clinger you secretly are (but keep that in check during the 3-month trial period)
First off, LoveBook - https://lovebookonline.com/
You need patience for this one but it is totally worth it. You can choose the number of pages, customise wording and even make the stick figure characters look like you. You can even get a little cheeky and put them in uncompromising positions…well… if your mental age is, like, 12 (me). This will reflect your humour and thoughtfulness traits. As a wise man named Drake once sang, thank me now, thank me later’
If that is too much effort another awesome one is The Book of Everyone https://thebookofeveryone.com … this will take a quarter of the time as most is pre-filled but you can add your own touch here and there in which it will make you look like the goddamn queen you are. Cute and shit.
Those are my mains. These are BAE, the gifts to trump all others.
I have to give honorary shout outs to Chocogram - https://www.chocogram.com.au/ as who doesn’t love chocolate? This can be given to your BFF’s aswell, especially your mate that’s on a diet 247. Now you can literally shove their ‘no, please don’t get me anything’ untruths down their throats. That will teach them to be a friend and shit around gift giving time, especially after they stare miserably at the scale after hoovering this delicious goodness. You can spell the recipient’s name out, pen a cute little message with added symbols like ‘Get fat, bitch’ symbols: ‘pig face, love heart or kiss’ …cuuute 🐷
Gifts for the honeymoon period, getting to know each other stage include hampers of stuff he/she likes. Even if you feel like drifting away mid convo and just want to rip his clothes off…pay attention to said clothes and brand. If you don’t like it, buy him said brand you want him to wear. It’s a bit like creating your own SIM. Or monster. Add to that hamper protein powder (if you’re lucky to be massaging pecs on the regular or chocolates and beer if you’re dating the dad bod)…. I am impartial to the in-between. Works out but relaxes, is comfortable as a head rest when sleeping or zoning out mid conversation but will share food (a rare unicorn).
Also, you can’t go wrong with a personalised card from Moonpig or Etsy…. add his pet name and photos of you, or keep it simple and add photos of his favourite sports team and inside jokes and BAM you're wifey material.
His parents/your relos can benefit from the following:
A personalised chopping board could go either way, used to repeatedly slam your head in (or someone elses) or cherished lovingly unused on the bench top or in the pool room. Personalised bottle openers along with a nice chardonnay if they ‘entertain’ a lot (alcoholics) Hampers…are a great idea...Body shop/Lush for women, beard barber type hampers for men. You get the jist.
The best thing about my incredibly dope Christmas list is that it all can be purchased online which means dodging harassed mum’s with wailing babies, rambunctious teenagers sipping on their vodka laced Mc Donalds' drinks leaning amongst any available wall. Police eagle eyed, watching everyone suspiciously... first aid staff tending to shoppers whether they be injured, having a panic attack, fainting or drunk.
I also spare a thought to you retail superstars. I know the benign smile you plaster on your face is tiresome, I know everyone you serve is on the end of their tether. But please have patience with me as I try to pay with tampons or my Woolworths rewards card at the counter. I’m usually drunk.
No, I’m not an alcoholic.
Next article the twelve steps...
Good luck everyone, turn up the dial, make your loved ones smile and get them something to knock their socks off which aren’t actually socks.
Oh, and another handy tip for you men out there, probably the best gift idea in this stratosphere. Midnight Bella Lashes has gift vouchers which is a win win for both of y’all as you will be waking up next to appreciative batting eyelashes and lots and lots of appreciation of your dad bod.
Kelz Belz x